*Inside the Totally Real, Definitely Not Made-Up Wookiee Workout™ by SixFootStilts*
Every May 4th, Star Wars fans across the galaxy reach for their lightsabers. We reach for our ankle weights, fur vests, and the sacred stilt poles of destiny.
Because here at SixFootStilts, we don’t just celebrate May the 4th… We sweat it.
Welcome to the Wookiee Workout™—our absolutely real, deeply scientific, definitely not made-up training program designed to channel the Force, awaken your groove, and condition your body for high-altitude musical mayhem.
🧠 It “could” be the Origin Story (Kinda)
It started, like most brilliant band ideas, as a dare and a joke.
Lote—our fearless frontman—showed up to rehearsal one day wearing ankle weights and declared, “I’m going full Wookiee today.”
The energy was electric.
The takes were tighter.
The sweat? Unrelenting.
From that day forward, the Wookiee Workout™ became sacred SixFootStilts ritual.
Some say it boosts stamina.
Some say it clears the creative chakras.
Others say it’s just an elaborate excuse to growl dramatically before singing.
We say: yes.
🦍 The 7 Sacred Stilts Forms of the Wookiee Workout™
1. Growl Breathing
Warm up the lungs with three deep, full-bodied Wookiee growls.
Channel your inner Chewbacca. Bonus points if you harmonize in D minor.
*No backing tracks allowed.*
2. Rhythm Saber Swings
Wield two drumsticks like lightsabers and swing to a syncopated groove.
Best performed in front of a mirror.
Strict no-eye-contact rule applies.
3. Fuzzy Resistance Training
Throw on a weighted faux-fur vest and play your part through a full take.
Lose five pounds. Gain ten bpm. Question your life choices.
4. Force Plank
Assume plank position. Stare into a lava lamp.
Wait for lyrics, melodies, or spiritual awakenings to arrive.
If none do, try again with incense.
5. Stilt Lunges
Performed on stilts (or metaphorical ones).
Great for core strength and ego deflation.
Watch out for ceiling fans and low-hanging self-doubt.
6. Wookiee Wall Slaps
Slap the nearest wall on every offbeat.
No one knows why this works—but it does.
Also serves as bandmate alarm system.
7. Holo-Yowl Cooldown
End your session with a cathartic group scream into the void.
If your engineer doesn’t flinch, you’re doing it wrong.
📊 Certified Results (According to Zero Peer Reviews)
- Boosts creative stamina by 37.2%*
- Increases vocal projection by 88 decibels*
- Improves stilt-walking under pressure by 6 parsecs*
(*All results are entirely unverifiable, and that’s the way we like it.)
🎶 Coming Soon: Stilted Rebellion – Volume I
Your official Wookiee Workout soundtrack
Includes essential tracks like:
- “These Aren’t the Riffs You’re Looking For”
- “Let the Bass Flow Through You”
- “Use the Chords, Luke”
- “Wookiee Don’t Skip Leg Day”
- “The Dark Side of the Bridge”
🎁 Fan Challenge: Join the #WookieeWorkout
- Want to become one with the groove?
- Pick your favorite Stilts Form
- Film 10 seconds of your interpretation
- Post it and tag @SixFootStilts using #WookieeWorkout by May 6
- One lucky rebel wins an unreleased track from WooWoo & Voodoo
+ a Muscular Beaver Jedi Tee (you know you want one)
🎤 Final Transmission
Music isn’t just made.
It’s moved.
Sweated through.
Summoned from the strange space between laughter and chaos.
This May the 4th, forget the rules.
Growl louder. Swing looser.
Feel the rhythm. Trust the weird.
And above all…
May the 4th—and your stilts—be with you.
